I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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