Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
