Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
