Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
