So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
