What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
