I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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