Hey man sorry I got all grabby
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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