I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hippo gnu deer
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i now understand why vodka
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
