sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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