if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
