Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
