I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Randomize
