drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
