she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
