there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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