I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
