I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
