got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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