Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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