My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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