i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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