Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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