I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Less talking, more tequila
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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