I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
