i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
