Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
