so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
