"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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