and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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