drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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