textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
