True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
