but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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