just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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