I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The beer is more important than you right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
