not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
