My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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