trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
