I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want a musical about memes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
