What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
