so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
