me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
