dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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