My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
barbara walters just said penis...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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