Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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