God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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