"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
