i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
