i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
