I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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