I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
