If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
