Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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